I had a taste of motherhood when I was twenty. When I had my first daughter, I was scared but the excitement of seeing how my baby would look like was a comfort.
Waking up in the middle night to change diapers and feed the baby was hard but I endured it all because I was determined to be a hands-on mom. Everyday I noticed the tiniest developments my baby was going through. I was very proud of her. I know there were times that I was physically exhausted and emotionally drained but the joys of motherhood consoled and revived my spirit. I didn't work. I didn't really see the need to work since my husband had a diving job then.
Months passed by, I was very patient with my baby girl. I taught her new things, talked to her constantly like she understood every word I said. She grew up really smart and ahead of her age. She simply amazed everyone around her.
To make it the story short, although my marriage was very unstable, my husband and I had three kids over the years. And then we broke up. I was crushed.
My ex is not supporting the kids. Single parenting has been so challenging for me. Most of all, single parenting brought me tears beyond I've ever imagined.
Two kids are with my in-laws and the youngest kid is with my mom. I get to see them when I have time and money. They really don't live that far from the place I am renting. But there are just times when seeing them breaks my heart. Some part of me wants to give them the best of what the world can offer, but a bigger part of me says that I'm going to fail. My kids don't ask for money but I do know that children as they are, they want nice toys, nice dresses, nice shoes and all the ice creams and cakes they can eat. And most of the time, I can't give them what they want.
It pains me to see how badly they want something. It pains me to know that I can't give them those things. All I ever wanted was to provide them the happiest childhood a mother could give to her kids. I don't care if I've become a stubborn daughter, an insensitive wife, or an irate employee. I honestly don't care as long as my kids can say that I am the best mother in the world. I don't care if I'll never be good at anything. I don't care if I'll never be greater than what I am today. I just want my kids with me. I just want to be a good mom.
I miss my kids so badly. It hurts like hell.
